


oh take my weak heart and tie it to yours

by numinousliebe



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Kinda?, M/M, POV Third Person, Season 4 Spoilers, Zach's POV, i never tagged anything in my life, kinda at least?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numinousliebe/pseuds/numinousliebe
Summary: Zach wants to talk about beginnings. About their beginning. About the beginning of their friendship; shallow at first and then suddenly so deep, Zach couldn’t reach the surface anymore. About everything he feels, so real and raw and painful. He wants to talk about the kiss. He wants to talk about his hands around Alex’s waist. He wants to talk about saving him from drowning, about them dancing together in his room, wants to talk about every P.T. session, every game they played at Alex’s house. And most importantly, he wants to tell him, that he will always understand.
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 3
Kudos: 47
Collections: Zalex Week 2k20





	oh take my weak heart and tie it to yours

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfiction...ever. I'm a writer, but I only write original work in my mother tongue, so this is fairly new to me! Please be gentle. :) This is a first draft, so in case there are any grammar or tenses mistakes, I apologize! 
> 
> Timeline wise, I'd say this is after Charlie and Alex got together (so after the "why are you with me, but not with Charlie?"-scene), but before prom. In that sense this scene isn't really canon compliant, but just imagine, this happens somewhere between those two plot points.
> 
> I actually planned on writing for Zalex week (sharing a bed!), but somehow, they never ended up sharing the bed in this work, so...yeah.
> 
> Anyways, long story, short: I hope you enjoy! :)

It’s raining outside. The rain is loud and unforgiving, splashing against the window and a painful reminder to Zach that the outside still exists, even while his face is pressed into the pillow; his eyes closed. He doesn’t want to move. He wants to lay still, to not move an inch, to forget that his body exists, that pain exists, that his leg still doesn’t work properly and that he lost his entire future in one big messed-up sweep.

He thinks about beginnings sometimes. The beginning of his friendship with Justin, which was really the beginning of his friendship with Bryce. Zach could see himself in Justin. At least in the quiet moments, when Justin stopped pretending and Zach could let his guard down. He saw him; really saw him. His kind soul. Justin was caring, he was passionate, charismatic and loyal. In the quiet moments, Zach could see himself in Justin and he knew, really knew, why they became friends. But Zach never had any quiet moments with Bryce. Bryce was always loud; only nice, when he needed to be, always cruel, when he could get away with it. He never had a quiet side. If Zach is honest with himself, he thinks, Bryce was an empty shell that tried to fill himself up with the pain he caused others.

Zach thinks about beginnings sometimes. He thinks about his passion for sports, his passion for marine biology. He thinks about his carefully crafted plan for his future: be good at sports, be a good team captain, get a scholarship, get a full ride to college, study marine biology there. Never really get close to anyone, not too close at least, so they could really mean something. Because it’s a distraction. And he couldn’t afford distractions.

Now – after everything – after his dad died, after Hannah died, after the tapes, after Alex’s suicide attempt, after Bryce’s and Monty’s deaths, after anything and everything, he wonders, if there's anything that makes sense anymore. He tries to find the beginning of this entire spider web, tries to find the first web, the first spider, that made him a part of this big mess, the reason why he lost his perfect plan, the reason why he lies here on his bed on a Thursday evening, hungover from the last day, instead of being at practice and he can’t find it.

Zach is angry all the time. Most of the time he’s angry at Bryce, sometimes at his mom. And when anger is all he feels, when the anger paralyzes him, makes him unattainable for any other emotion, he is mostly angry at himself. For ruining everything. For being a coward. For never standing up for anything. For enabling everything that happened at that awful school, while secretly despising it every single second.

So – that’s why he drinks. That’s why he’s lying under the covers at four pm, completely hungover, tired and exhausted. That’s why he hasn’t answered any of Alex’s texts, which is completely unusual, because Alex’s messages still scare him sometimes. But Alex has Charlie, now. Alex has Charlie now, so Alex must be okay.

Yeah. He thinks about their beginning too. He wonders if he is a part of their story. The reason why they are together in the first place. He asked Alex, that day. Why are you with me and not with Charlie? If Zach had been a little bit braver, if Zach had actually learnt anything from his cowardice, he would’ve asked: _Why do you want me, when you can have Charlie? Why did you kiss me? Why are you the only person that makes me feel okay about myself? Not only in the quiet moments, but every single second. How can you be so unapologetically yourself? How could you stand up for Hannah, for Clay, for everyone, when you were struggling so much yourself? How can you be so kind? How can you love any part of me? How could you kill Bryce? How could you kill him for me? How could you sacrifice your entire future for me, when I couldn’t even sacrifice my reputation for you?_

But Zach wasn’t brave. Still isn’t. So he pushed Alex to Charlie and now that they’re together, now that they’re happy and perfect and in love, Zach can lie here under his blankets and think about this stupid kiss that has been torturing him ever-since.

His phone vibrates again. He groans, doesn’t open his eyes and instead pushes every button he can find in the hope that the vibrating stops. And it stops. He can finally listen to the rain, that is getting louder and louder, so loud, that it might even distract him from his own thoughts. He swallows, breaths in and out, in and out and squeezes his eyes shut. Ignores the burning and the pain and his consuming headache. Thinks about maybe going out, getting vodka or beer or whatever he can find, because his bottles are almost empty, his mind is getting too loud and the kiss is looping itself in his mind, over and over and over.

There’s a knock on this door. It might be his sister, because his mother is still at work and he already decided to tell her to go away, when the door suddenly opens and –

Alex is standing there. Completely soaked from rain, the water dropping from his clothes, his hair, his face. And he looks worried. A little bit annoyed, but mostly worried.

“Zach – what the fuck?”

He exhales. Sits up and tastes his bitter breath, the alcohol from last night. Zach rubs a hand over his face, then his eyes. The headache is harder to ignore now.

“Sorry, man.” His voice is groggy, obviously under-used. He tries to think back to the moment he last talked; it must’ve been yesterday morning, when his mom asked him to bring May to school, only to realize he was still too drunk to drive. She shook her head, obviously disappointed and then slammed the door. His mom stopped lecturing him a long time ago. She obviously gave up, which should make Zach happy, but instead left him with nothing but an empty, turning stomach.

“Sorry? Seriously?”, Alex sighs, closes the door, “we – we promised each other, we would always answer each other’s messages. After – you know.”

He knows. He knows and he understands and he still wants that. He still wants him to be the first person Alex sends messages to, the first person he wants to call, the first person for – everything. He wants to be the person Alex depends on, the person that Alex can trust the most. But he isn’t sure he can be that, anymore. He feels broken, like a puzzle with too many missing pieces and an unenthusiastic owner that can’t be bothered to put it back together again. He feels so wrong, most of the time, guilty, useless. He never felt good about himself, but lately, he’s been feeling worse.

So he only shrugs, like it doesn’t hurt him. Like it doesn’t affect him at all.

“I was asleep.” Alex stares at him. He opens his mouth, closes it again. He is speechless, obviously. Disappointed. Just like everyone else. It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. Alex was always a category by himself in Zach’s mind. An exception to the rule. He couldn’t stand up to his relationship with Hannah, but he tried for Alex. He couldn’t save himself, but he tried for Alex. He could only be sharp edges and a destroying storm, but he tried to be gentle and kind for Alex.

“Have you read them?”, Alex asks; his voice a little above a whisper, “the messages?”

Zach blinks, then shakes his head.

“Read them”, Alex swallows, his hands are shaking, “please.”

The please does it. Zach takes his phone and opens his chat with Alex. His stomach drops by the time he’s at the end of the seven messages and he immediately looks up to Alex; this time to make sure he’s still standing there.

**[3:13 AM]: i’ve had a really shitty dream**

**[3:47 AM] yeah so guess who can’t fall asleep? me**

**[4:27 AM] i don’t know if you have this with your leg but sometimes my arm and head hurt so much as if everything just happened and then it brings me back to the moment kinda and i feel so different from then but sometimes just not and i hate feeling like this, zach**

**[6:57 AM] so I guess you’re asleep. lucky you. i dreamt about bryce hurting you and me killing him again which is messed up and I feel so guilty all the time. sometimes i think i should just turn myself in and let it all be over**

**[12:20 PM] yeah so i couldn’t sleep and my parents let me stay at home. i don’t know if you’re ignoring my messages or not, but i can’t do this anymore**

**[2:34 PM] i just realized how my last message probably came across and i didn’t mean it like that. in case you care**

**[3:28 PM] seriously zach?**

“By four pm I started to get worried. You do ignore my messages, but not when I text shit like this. So I thought, maybe you got drunk somewhere and lost your phone. But the messages still came through, so that couldn’t be the reason either. I figured you must be home, so I let my mom drive me here. You still ignored my calls for 30 minutes though and I had to wait in the rain until May came home herself and let me in”, Alex puts a hand through his wet hair, darkened by the rain, “and now I’m soaking wet. And you were what? Asleep for 15 hours?”

His eyes begin to burn. “I’m sorry, Alex”, he whispers ‘fuck’ under his breath, swallows hard, “are you – okay?”

Alex sighs. He looks out of the window for a moment; the rain still on-going. Then, he suddenly moves to the bed, sits down by the edge. Zach can feel the weight on the mattress; Alex only a few inches away from his legs. It’s weird to be so close to him, close enough to touch. After the kiss, Alex stopped initiating any contact and Zach feels strangely deprived of it.

He nods. “I’m fine. The dream really freaked me out. I hate dreaming about – him”, Alex is quiet for a moment, then continues, “it’s always the same. I never – save him. I always end up killing him. Because he threatens Jess or Tyler or Clay or – well – most of the time you. It’s like”, he looks down at his hands, shrugs, “the guilty part of my brain wants to remind me, that I wouldn’t do anything differently, I guess. I – feel guilty, but I don't feel regret. I mean – not really. He wanted to ruin you”, he suddenly looks up, directly into my eyes, “I mean, how could I – let him – do that?”

The words feel heavy. Honest. They remind Zach of how far Alex would go for him. How – meaningful their friendship actually is.

“I would have done the same, you know”, Zach looks away, “I beat up him, because he hurt me. And ruined my future. I left him there to die. For myself. Maybe a little bit for the pain he caused us all. But mostly for myself”, he runs a hand over his eyes, before the tears can fall, “but if it were the other way around – if he threatened you and I was standing there by the edge”, Zach swallows, “I don’t think I would save him either.”

He said it. For Zach, this is a sentiment of how much Alex means to him. How much he would actually give up for him. He would do it; he realizes. He would give everything for Alex to have a future. It’s a sobering thought, not entirely healthy. But it’s the truth. More honest than anything else Zach has said in the last couple of months, the exception being on the rooftop, when he told Alex that he would care about him, always, _no matter what_.

Alex is silent after that. He pulls his legs up, leans his body against the bed frame, his legs resting next to Zach’s arms. It's still raining outside. The clouds are big and grey, dominating the entire sky.

“When you didn’t answer, I texted Charlie.”

Zach ignores the aching, nods instead. His jaw feels tense and the irrational anger at himself, at Charlie, at everyone else is back. But he forces himself to stay quiet, lets Alex continue.

“I texted him – and tried to explain the nightmare. How it made me feel. How guilty I feel about everything. I started to write it all down. And then by the time I was done, it was like a few pages long. And then, I realized, he doesn’t understand any of it. I mean, he will try, obviously. He thinks he’s in love with me, but what does he know? Really? Any of the messed-up shit that happened back then? He will – love me and accept all of it, maybe. But he will never understand. I mean, he wasn’t there. He didn’t know Hannah. She was – I mean.”

“Yeah.”

“So…what am I doing with him, Zach? He likes me. I don’t know why, but he actually genuinely likes me. And he’s kind. He’s really attentive and kind and loving. And I really do like him, but what will he do, when I have a nightmare? What will he do when I feel shitty like yesterday? He doesn’t understand, Zach. He just doesn’t.”

Zach swallows. He wants to tell Alex everything. He wants to talk about beginnings. About their beginning. About the beginning of their friendship; shallow at first and then suddenly so deep, Zach couldn’t reach the surface anymore. About everything he feels, so real and raw and painful. He wants to talk about the kiss. He wants to talk about his hands around Alex’s waist. He wants to talk about saving him from drowning, about them dancing together in his room, wants to talk about every P.T. session, every game they played at Alex’s house. He wants to tell him, that he will always understand. That he understands the heavy and ugly pain, the guilt and the relief. That he has nightmares about that day, too, but at the same time can’t help but feel relieved Bryce isn’t in their life anymore. He wants to talk about his dad, he realizes. About the pain of losing him, the grief that somehow doubled, when Hannah died. He wants to talk about everything and nothing and still–

“But he can try, right? Try to understand? I mean, nobody but us will really – understand. But he’s willing to try. Isn’t that all we should be hoping for? To find someone who’s willing to try for us?”

He sighs again. “Or maybe I’m meant to be alone.”

Zach leans forward, shakes his head. “No, Alex, you’re not.”

“But you are?” His voice gets louder.

“This isn’t about me, Alex.”

“Really, Zach?”, he laughs, cold, “so what are you doing here? Drinking every day? Talking to nobody? Not to Justin, Chloe, me? Your best friends? What are you really doing, Zach?”

Maybe he’s just passing the time, until he inevitably loses everything. Maybe he’s trying to numb the pain. Maybe he’s trying to forget everything he feels, the good and the bad. Maybe he’s trying to forget the kiss, Alex’s soft lips on his, the cold wind on his face. Maybe he’s trying to ignore everything he's already lost and everything he could still potentially lose. He–

“I don’t know.” His voice is quiet, just above a whisper. It’s a scary admission, an unusual confession. He’s afraid to look at Alex. He doesn’t really know why, but he’s always been cowardly, so maybe this is nothing new.

“Zach?” Alex always pronounced his name differently. With so much more meaning; a little bit of edge. Like he confesses something, every time. And Zach dares. Dares to look up, dares to really see. Alex always wore his heart on his sleeve. He could be cunning, sarcastic and a little bit cynical. But strangely, he always cared too much. His kindness seeped through everything he did, his desire for justice unparalleled. His eyes always held a truth you couldn’t ignore. Zach tried to ignore it on the rooftop and it only led him here.

“What are you afraid of, Zach?”

Zach swallows. He tries to swallow every bit of fear, every bit of paralyzing thought that tortures his brain.

“I tried to”, he runs his left hand over his knuckles, “I tried to be the perfect son. Especially after my dad died. To meet every single expectation my mom had, you know? To be a good student, team captain, brother. I tried to do everything right, have the right friends, the right reputation. And – it all went to hell. I mean, I destroyed everything. I befriended the wrong people, ignored the good. My leg doesn’t work anymore, my grades are – so bad, I don’t even know if I’m able to graduate. My mom doesn’t look me in the eyes anymore”, he exhales shakily, “She stopped asking me to watch May, because she trusts my younger sister more than me. And seeing that every day? Feeling this disappointment every day? Of who I could’ve been? If I was just – braver? Kinder? More honest? I don’t even know. It’s too much, Alex. Every single thing in my life is a reminder of what I could’ve done better. If I just – stood up for myself. And what I believe in. And I didn’t. I still haven’t”, he laughs, “so I started to drink. And – I don’t really feel better, but I can get through the day, at least.”

Zach closes his eyes, once he feels the tears build up. He promised himself to never be vulnerable around anyone, but he can’t help himself. Alex has this energy around him, that you can’t help but bare your heart to.

Suddenly, Zach feels Alex’s hands over his. They should feel colder from outside, from standing in the rain for half an hour, yet Zach strangely only feels warmer.

“You sound ridiculous.”

Zach opens his eyes, can’t stop himself from laughing. He quiets down after a second, a small smile on his face.

“What?”

Alex puts more pressure on Zach's hands, as though he’s scared, Zach could let go. But Zach missed the physical contact. He's aching for it. And he has denied himself a lot in the past, but he can’t deny himself this now.

“I won’t say that you haven’t fucked up. That – there aren't things you could’ve done differently. You have regrets. I have them, too. But Zach”, he interlocks their fingers, “you have grown so much, too. And I know that you don’t see it, but – I do. You spoke up for Hannah at her trial. You helped me for months. Literally months. Every single day. You were there for Chloe, when she had nobody. Zach, you saved my life multiple times. And I don’t mean on the rooftop or on the boat. I mean – our friendship – especially after everything that went down with Jess – saved my life. You never made me feel like a burden. Like I’m too much. You were always patient with me. Honestly, still are. You make me feel safe. And when you have so many scary thoughts and feelings like I do? Feeling safe is the best thing possible.”

His heart is beating fast. It reminds him of the night on the rooftop, of his hands around Alex’s waist, his lips on Zach’s; soft, warm and forgiving. His heart was beating faster back then, too.

“I thought I was the one cheering you up.”

He hears Alex’s quiet laugh. Can almost see him rolling his eyes, shaking his head fondly. He’s scared to look up. To see Alex’s face so close to his. Maybe even feel his breath on his skin. He’s scared to lose himself, again. He’s scared to look down, at his lips, to remember the kiss, the feeling, this short moment of peace. He’s scared to look up, because he knows, he would kiss back. He would kiss back and this time, he wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t lie. He wouldn’t say, he’s not into guys, wouldn’t reject him. He was stronger, then. He was able to keep his guard up for the few seconds he needed to convince Alex, that this was the truth. But he won’t be able to do it now. He can’t lie. He can’t pretend. He’s terrified and he’s vulnerable and he’s exhausted and Alex is everything he wants, but is too scared to lose.

“Zach?”, he nods, has his eyes glued to their hands, still intertwined, “I want to break up with Charlie.”

“Oh.” _Oh._

“Did you – tell me the truth? On the rooftop?”

He swallows. His hands are starting to sweat, but he can’t move them away, too scared to lose contact with Alex, too scared to lose everything, this moment, this connection. And then, because he dares himself to be brave, for just one moment, to let himself fall and hope that Alex will catch him too, he shakes his head.

All of a sudden, Alex’s hands are gone. Every lasting bit of Zach’s bravery immediately vanishes and he closes his eyes, just waiting for the weight on the mattress to disappear.

But maybe he should stop trying to predict Alex’s moves. Maybe he should see their past for what it is; a silent love-letter from him to Zach, from Zach to Alex, a sign, that their connection, friendship or more, will always be everlasting. Because Zach said it himself; he will always care about Alex. No matter what. There’s no pain, no betrayal, no action, no words, that could diminish this love. This loyalty, this careful thread that they weaved around each other.

Alex’s thumb carefully brushes Zach’s cheek. Zach can feel his cheek redden, his eyes blink. And then, because Alex was always braver, because Alex would rather feel and be rejected, then pretend to not feel at all, he kisses Zach. And Zach kisses back.

His face is cold against Zach’s and yet, nothing ever felt so warm and right. So peaceful. It feels a little bit like falling, but strangely, he isn’t scared. For the first time in forever, just like Alex, he feels safe.

After a few seconds, Alex lets his forehead rest against Zach’s. Zach’s eyes are still closed and he laughs, shakily, a little bit unsure.

“Was that okay?”, Alex asks, the smile evident in his voice.

“Yeah”, Zach’s voice is breathless, “more than.”

“Good.”

He moves his head away, still brushes his left thumb over Zach’s cheek. Zach slowly opens his eyes and sees it, all at once: The undeniable love in Alex’s eyes. The fondness. Maybe even a little bit of past pain. Their entire history, re-told in a kiss.

And then he notices another thing: He was sober. He is sober. They kissed. And he isn’t scared anymore. At least, not of this. So, he curls his hand around Alex’s neck, pulls him close and kisses him again.

And the rain, so loud before, almost impossible to ignore, fades into nothing. All of this pain, fear, everybody else, fades into oblivion. And then, it’s only them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are very appreciated. :)
> 
> The title is from the song "Weak Heart" by Ed Prosek.


End file.
